Why You & Your Team Take Things Too Personally

There’s a Buddhist teaching known as the Two Arrows.

The first arrow is what happens to you.

The second is how you respond.

In communication, the first arrow is what someone says.

A teammate gives you blunt feedback.

Your partner forgets something important.

A colleague questions your decision.

That’s the first arrow.

Then your brain jumps in:

“They don’t respect me.”

“I’m not doing a good job.”

“I’m failing as a leader.”

That’s the second arrow, the one that actually hurts.

Not because of what was said… but because of what you made it mean.

In leadership, and in life, most of the pain we feel isn’t from the moment itself.

It’s from the meaning we attach to it.

If you want to be the kind of person who doesn’t take everything personally…

You have to practice the pause between arrows.

The space between stimulus and story.

Between what happened—and what you think it meant.

Easier said than done.

Because those stories come fast.

They ride in on past wounds and unspoken fears.

And before you can take a breath, you’re reacting to a reality your brain created.

Emotional maturity isn’t about never flinching.

It’s about recognizing when the second arrow is being drawn—and choosing not to fire.

How To Pause Between Arrows

1.) Name the first arrow. What actually happened? Stick to the facts.

• “They gave me feedback.”

• “They asked a question.”

• “They were late.”

2.) Spot the story. What did your brain add on top?

• “They don’t value me.”

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “They’re pulling away.”

3.) Ask: What else could be true? 

• Could this be a misunderstanding?

• A pattern from my past?

• Their own stress or blind spot?

4.) Stay in dialogue, not defense. Curiosity softens reactivity.

• Try: “Can you clarify what you meant by that?”

• Or: “Here’s what I heard, can we check if I got that right?”

Because when you load every interaction with fear or shame, you stop responding to the person—and start reacting to the version of them in your head.

Which is usually a version shaped by your own wounds.

So next time you feel the sting of the first arrow, pause.

Don’t let the second one fly.

Choose to stay open and meet the tension with inquiry not assumption.

PS: If you want a team that communicates clearly, handles feedback well, and doesn't spiral over assumptions, share this with them.

Emotional maturity isn’t a solo practice, it’s a culture. And it starts with shared language.