How To Stop Your Team From Being Co-Dependent

Most people don’t know how to think.

They ask for answers instead of clarity.

They won’t move forward on anything without a thumbs-up.

And it’s clear they’d rather rely on your brain instead of learning to use their own.

As a leader, that puts you in a tough spot.

You either:

1. Enable their dependency.

2. Or force them to grow.

And let's keep it honest... most people pick the first.

Not because they're incapable, but because it's faster.

Well, at least it seems that way in the moment.

Until the team can't function without you.

Or, you want to scream, “I don’t know, use your fucking brain” in a moment of weakness.

That’s what happens when we over-function for everyone and tolerate complacency in return.

But before we can solve this problem, we need to understand why it exists in the first place.

People don’t defer to you because they’re lazy.

They do it because it feels safer.

If they guess wrong, they risk judgment. If they make the call and it flops, it’s their fault.

But if they get your input first? They have someone to blame.

And this isn’t just isolated to the workplace, it shows up in every relationship in our lives.

We are the common denominator and when we aren’t clear on our YES’s and NO’s…

…we tolerate a lot of shit that we shouldn’t.

Leading us to the pinnacle moment where we must decide:

“Do I continue to enable behavior that robs people of their agency? Or will I stop giving people answers they need to discover for themselves?”

I call this the Demarcation Line.

It’s the day we draw a line in the sand on how we show up in relationships and our approach to engaging with others.

This moment isn’t always easy yet it is necessary and it works in two parts:

#1. The Decision

Deciding to stop thinking for other people is easy in theory. Hard in practice.

Because the moment you stop offering immediate answers, people get uncomfortable.

They’re used to a certain rhythm… ask, receive, move on.

When you interrupt that pattern with a question instead of an answer, it feels jarring.

They might assume you’re upset. Being passive-aggressive. Holding something back.

You’ll feel their frustration, even if they don’t say it out loud.

But here’s the truth: being willing to tolerate that discomfort is part of the decision.

It’s not your job to think for others. It’s your job to think for yourself and support others in learning to do the same.

That requires evolving past the need to be understood in the short term, in service of the long term growth of everyone involved.

Once you’ve drawn the line, you need to learn how to hold it, leading us to…

#2: The Framework

Here’s how to guide thinking without doing the thinking:

Ask, don’t answer.


→ “What do you think we should do next?”


→ “What’s the principle guiding your decision?”


→ “If I wasn’t here, what would you do?”

Challenge assumptions. 

→ “What’s another way to see this?”


→ “What’s the risk if we’re wrong?”


→ “Who might disagree with you and why?”

Push the responsibility back.


→ “Bring me 3 possible solutions. We’ll review them together.”


→ “I’m not solving this for you but I’ll coach you through it.”

This helps you empower the other person to uncover their own answers and perspectives.

While simultaneously preserving your own energy.

This isn’t just about developing your team.

It’s also about taking care of yourself.

Because in case you forgot… leadership isn’t about carrying the whole team on your back.

It’s about developing people and equipping them with the skills to walk alongside you.

So the next time someone asks, “What should I do?” 
Don’t hand them the answer.

Run them through the question framework in this email.

And when they start squealing like a pig with frustration…

Just breathe, it’ll pass, and remember you’ll both be better off for it.